Caustically Optimistic

Forgive me, Vicki, for I have sinned…

It’s been four months since my last trip to IKEA.  I needed something to reorganize my closet and my shoes.  I subscribe to the idea that one shouldn’t have to move more than one thing to get to another and my current living situation made things a little ridiculous.  Its two hours up and two hours back (at least) to go to IKEA from here so I decided – wrongly – that going to any furniture outlet that would give me some organization for less than one-hundred dollars would do.  Going to IKEA in Cincinnati also means going to Jungle Jim’s and becomes an all day event, leaving me needing another day to put the furniture together and reorganize my corner of the world.  Buying locally would give me four hours less driving and would avoid a superfluous grocery trip. 

 If I had a nickel for every time I was wrong I’d have my down payment saved for my own house already. 

I picked something from Bed, Bath, and Beyond completely by chance.  I was at BB&B picking up a tie organizer that has worked well – but I have too many ties for one and needed another.  While I was in that part of the fifth ring of Hell I noticed the shelving I ended up with, a customizable nine-section shelf that would work and fit in the closet in my bedroom.  I realized that I hadn’t brought a coupon and felt that it might not be the best approach but decided that the small amount I’d save wouldn’t be worth driving home and back for a coupon.  Had I driven home I’d have started on my book review of the The Martian instead of engaging in this fool’s errand. 

I was pretty excited when I got home.  I did everything before building that you ought to do.  I read the instructions.  I checked to make sure I had the correct tools and all of the pieces.  I cleared an area to build.  I was confident, over-confident, and that’s when I should have stopped and just lit a pile of money on fire in the garage.  I had checked all the pieces but I hadn’t organized them into when I’d use them assembling the shelves and immediately screwed up.  The first pieces I put together I put together incorrectly.  To add insult to injury I took a step I normally skip: gluing the anchors in.  I used the small anchors instead of the larger anchors, and since I glued them in I couldn’t get them out.  

Dad tried to help me by drilling out the anchors but that only made the particleboard disintegrate, which also didn’t stop up from trying on the other piece I screwed up on.   I looked at my watch and realized that this is my only day to do this so I went back to Bed, Bath, and Beyond – this time with a coupon – and bought another shelving unit.  I realize that there was a more rational approach to this but I am in the self-destruct mode of my depression and spending more money seemed like the best way to go.  I have a top-shelf education and am successful in my line of work so surely I can conquer this shelving unit. 

Oh, it eventually went together and the Lord’s name wasn’t used in vain but it wasn’t easy or fun. 

I think the only words I said during my second attempt at this shelving unit was, “You aren’t Daniel, idiot.”  I re-read the instructions, my first article of faith is that I can do anything because I can read, and I can tell you this: these instructions are incomplete.  I had a resolution in 2011 that I would view every adversity in my life as a result of my own poor choices because if I was the one who was the problem I was also the solution.  I would like to take you back to 2010 and blame the person who wrote the instructions.  If pieces could go in an the shelving unit a number of ways ostensibly hold together but still be ‘wrong’ then one ought to include that information in the instructions.  

My number two goal for 2015 and beyond is to make enough money to never again have to assemble my own furniture.  I am not Daniel; I am an idiot.

God sends us this furniture to keep us humble.  That guy created the universe and everything in it and we think we can put together simple shelves to arrange our graven images because we have tools, education, and reason.  We also have ‘fire’ and this is what I should have done with the pieces that constituted the shelves. 

The instructions called for me to make an enormous hash symbol.  This was God laughing at me.  I think your use of the hash symbol, or tag, is overdone and you should seek help for your problems.  When I saw that it was the fifth sign it should stop.  I then had to attach sides and then top and bottom to the hash symbol.  This was the most backwards approach I’ve taken to furniture.  I also should have realized that I needed to turn the hash symbol one rotation so the holes drilled in the interior would hold secondary shelves (which I had bought because customizable furniture wasn’t a red flag in the first place).  

I realized at that point I could just detach the hash symbol from the sides, top, and bottom and simply turn it once and reattach everything.  When I thought the word, “simply,” it was the sixth sign.  I hadn’t glued the pieces of the hash symbol together – relying on the anchors because they’ll hold it all together once I Allen-wrenched in the top and bottom.  Two pieces broke off whilst turning the hash tag and then while I fixing that I broke a third.  If I had gone to IKEA I would have been snacking on a post-game frozen yogurt at that moment in time.  Luckily, I’m an idiot who had two shelving units in pieces so another half-hour later and I had cobbled together shelving. 

My seventh article of faith is that a meal shouldn’t take longer to clean up than it takes to cook, a project shouldn’t take longer to clean up than it does to accomplish.  The sixth, if you’re wondering, is that you have to stop what you’re doing and listen to “Don’t Stop Believing” whenever it comes on and not change the station nor hit skip on Pandora which is why I totally lost my train of thought.  It had something to do with, “cleaning the mess up took longer than assembling the shelves and I still don’t have enough room to put away all my shoes.” 

I could feel Vicki and Enzo looking down from their photograph, Harry Potter style, with disapproving looks.  Vicki and I love IKEA.  I have been to IKEA more times that I have been to a Walmart.  This is all well documented.  Vicki’s hometown has two IKEAs just to ensure she is served properly.  I should have stuck with what I knew.  I felt as if this could be my karma for all the times we embarrassed Enzo in IKEA and if it was then I surely deserve it.  We should fear, love, and trust in Enzo and not shame him in IKEA.  If this was indeed my karma for my crimes then my slate is clean and I can do it again.   

Bulk trash pick up is on Tuesday.  I’m tempted to tape the remnants of the other shelving unit together with the instructions in a zip-lock and watch to see who takes it but I don’t need that karma.  I sincerely hope that I like this new organization system because it can never, never be moved.  It’s the Ark of the Covenant or Jimmy Hoffa, the shelves are staying where they are and we aren’t going to talk about it. 

Focus

Today I was cleaning out the closet in my room and I found the first Lego set I ever purchased.  That was at least twenty-five years ago, I’ve kept all the important pieces.  It’s a castle with knights, archers, and soldiers.  It’s called a “King’s Castle” but it didn’t come with a king, queen, courtiers or even a token damsel for distress.  I remember the trip to Montgomery, Alabama’s Toys R Us to get the set, putting it together and my mother rearranging things in the living room so it could be proudly displayed there.  When I was done with this castle it would go back into the box.  The horses, but they’re the only pieces gone.  That’s an accomplishment. 

Two things came out of finding this set.  I encountered something from my past that didn’t provoke any negative feelings and when that didn’t happen organically my mother didn’t take the opportunity to provoke them herself.  One of my goals or resolutions this year isn’t to find happiness, contentment, solace, or peace.  It’s all around me.  My resolution for 2012 is to stop letting other people ruin it for me.

Bud Potter says that being happy is a choice.  It’s not an easy choice because being unhappy is easier.  When I went to dinner with the people I used to teach with I could have focused on how the assistant principal who was terrible to everyone for sport showed up (did anyone want to see her?) or I could have focused on how nice it was to see Sandy, and to see Sandy out in the wide world enjoying herself.  When my mother talks about how I’m not apart of her family I can focus instead on the people who’ve chosen to have me in their lives instead. 

Really, the honor of being Alexandra’s godfather eclipses the unfortunate brightness of the array of ginger-cousin’s hair; picking up a spare faux-nephew and niece in the bargain isn’t bad either.  I don’t think I have time or heart left for family after contending with the avalanche of personality in those three.  Even if I were welcome on the maternal side of my family the paternal is much cooler, literate, active, and Aunt Stefanie always has bacon at her house.  The summer vacation I had with Doug, Valerie and their younger kids was the best vacation I’ve ever had – and all we did was watch elephants bathe.  Whenever I talk to Doug, Valerie, Jon or Melissa they ask, “when are you coming home” and, “when will you visit,” (respectively).  In the ten years since I’ve not been a part of the family no one has said either of those things.  It’s easier to hear what’s not being said but I should listen to what is being said.  Home is where your heart is because it’s where you’re wanted.  I was happier in Phoenix because I was wanted and needed there, not someone who was merely tolerated, barely. 

I’ll make the hard choice to be happy.  My heart is fighting me on the idea of surviving 2012 but I think fighting through to being happy will help.  Also, “The King’s Castle,” shouldn’t just be plastic blocks in my closet my heart – which I am hoping to bend to my will – should bend to the King’s will.  How much happier would I be if I left God in charge?  Following Him isn’t easy, but I don’t do easy things, women, or recipes.  Why I should I stop there?  When people roll their eyes at that or make snide remarks I’m reminded of how important it really is and I hope for those people that they find out but don’t really ever have to know.  When I hear people question God’s power or the place of faith in our lives I remember when we all held our breath, lowered our eyes, and broke our hearts when Siena wasn’t well.  When I was told that she coded I initially lost my composure and I may have thrown up in my classroom while teaching (it’s why we have so many rubbish bins about the room).  If you knew this perfectly extraordinary girl you’d never question there was a God in Heaven.   

Sandy reminds me that everyone has a cheering section and that no matter what difficulty you’re working through there is always time to be there for others.  Christ told us to love and serve God and each other.  If I know someone who could take a day off from her duty to her fellow humans it is Sandy, I’m thankful for that.  Alexandra (and cortege) should in reality present a responsibility but being a pastor’s kid’s Godfather is really an emeritus position and serves more to keep me in line than anything for her and I’m beholden to her not to divulge my base instincts.  My mother’s mother is alive today because I hold my tongue for the Al Hanjamin.  Christmas should teach us the power of infants and toddlers but it’s easy to forget.

I have the smaller resolution that I’m going be organized in my space this year and shed some of the things I don’t need.  Reorganizing the ‘castle’ I live in caused me to find the castle I used to play with as a child and reminded of whose castle it really should be.  I hate it when my blog sounds preachy or like someone else’s but in the end if I write out my resolutions here someone will keep me accountable.  It worked, for the most part, in 2011.  The resolutions I didn’t succeed in were at least worked on. 

Focusing on happiness, on where happiness is, will help 2012 (and beyond) be exponentially better than years past.