no one will stop me

I wish people would make their resolutions for the New Year with what might actual happen in their year: eat a lot of junk food, argue with people on Facebook, look at new and more disgusting types of pornography on the internet, drink unto sickness more often, or pass gas in confined places.  It’s the first of the year and I didn’t yet get to the gym and I ate garbage all day long.  I haven’t been to the gym in a month and I used to go every day – even if I was out of town.  I used to eat ‘well’ every day but in anticipation of starting anew in the ‘new year’ that I just let it go, go, go. 

 

I did make bigger decisions about this year last summer.  This was the year I was going to finally make it up to Quebec. This was the year I was going up to the Pacific Northwest.  This will be the year that I learn to finally roll with the punches. 

 

I do want to stop arguing with people on the Internet.  I look at the postings like I used to look at Oreo cookies.  Did you know the singular of cookies is cooky, not cookie?  Most people don’t know that because for real, who eats one?  It offends my religion.  I am not going to change anyone’s mind.  I will just ignore their ill-informed posts.

I’m going to watch more television in 2014; I may even buy one.  I am still going to exercise and tomorrow I am going to do my level best to steal a bicycle from work.  I ride the bicycle around the parking lot.  However, my lack of television watching makes me a rather boring human being and if I watched more television I could get through more conversations with people I have nothing in common with because we’d have television in common. 

It’d be great if this was the year I learned to shave properly, or bought a house finally and painted the doors to resemble the doors of the TARDIS, or hit puberty, or stopped giving people the impression I was a homeless person but I won’t hold my breath on that because the halitosis is overfuckingbearing. 

I’m going to pretend like I am going to stop drinking Diet Coke but I may as well say, “I’m going start peeing in a seated position.”  I will drink more beer, I swear to God I will, and bourbon.  This is Kentucky and I will drink bourbon.  I will put bourbon in my Diet Coke, and maybe in my beer.  Bourbon, bourbon everywhere!  I am going to go where they make all the bourbon and if I can get away with it I will kiss the people who make the bourbon.  Forget teachers and police officers and fire fighters: distillers are the people who make the world better. 

Also, this year I will stop assuming that it is my drink before drinking it. 

I am going to lose weight because I don’t know whom I think I am kidding but vests aren’t slimming any more than skinny jeans make you skinny.  My boss doesn’t like me to wear bowties but I don’t think I have to run my sartorial choices past him.  Sure, he signs the checks that pay my bills and keeps me in argyle but I will defy him in this. 

I will stay away from tequila.  Staying away from tequila means staying away from waking up with your hands tied to a headboard by your own underpants.  Knowledge is power.  

I would say, “I will spend more time with my friends,” but then I would have to make friends and I think instead I will just join dating websites, put my classmate Chris’ photo up as mine and snare people into dates they’ll think are relationships when I really just would like to hang out or go to a movie without feeling like a complete weirdo because I’m at Harry Potter and the Extremely Long Camping Trip by myself.  It’ll be like the time we engaged the services of a prostitute to clean my apartment only more pathetic. 

I will ask my clients questions whilst wearing latex gloves with both my hands in their mouth, like the dentist.  I will assume they’re giving me the answers I want and we’ll proceed with life in a lively and happy manner.  I will stop believing everything my best friend tells me, masturbating is NOT cardio.  He’s smarter than I am but that doesn’t mean he is always right.  I will throw more potential clients out of the showroom shouting, "Lord Jesus, it's a fire," because ain't nobody got time for that.  

I’m going to write in my tiny notebook instead of expressing my frustrations to people or saying caustic things to people.  Mainly, because people don’t stop being frustrating because they’re brought up to speed on their behavior and most of the people I insult have the insult explained to them and this makes me sad.  What good is crafting a clever retort if you’re the only one clever in the room? THESE ARE THE PEOPLE FOR WHOM THEY PUT SIGNS UP THAT REMIND THEM TO WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER RELIEVING THEMSELVES.  WHY ARE WE ASSUMING THEY CAN READ? 

I will not wash my coffee mug until Scotland wins the Quiddich World Cup.

 

 In 2014 no one will stop me. 

Comments

[Margaret]

Love your snarky(but true)list. I often think that people who have to loudly trumpet their resolutions are the least likely to keep them.They expect all the rest of us to "keep them honest" but aren't internally committed to any of them. I've never had bourbon; is it good? I've always wanted to visit Quebec! If you do come to the PNW, you can visit me. :)

[Make Mine Paranormal]

I love a good New Year's resolution and as usual, you've knocked it out of the park with yours. How can any of us compete?